Monday, December 19, 2011

A night on the town... or at least the front porch

What did you do Saturday night? I sat on my porch in the cold with a shivering puppy without a leash for 30 minutes. Here’s the how and why…

Saturday was a slightly traumatic day for Eisley. You see, she had to have a bath. While there are lots of things Eisley loves (carrots, biting Henry’s head, and licking my face all make the top of the list) but there are very few things she hates. In fact, I can only think of 3. Being picked up (her ears get all pathetic and droopy when you scoop her up), having her nails trimmed (that’s her Dad’s job), and having baths. Eisley HATES baths.

I should probably explain that her fear of bath time only makes us bath her even less. We usually wait until the fur behind her ears turns a bit greasy and her little pink belly starts to turn brown. (I know Mom, that’s gross. Especially because she sleeps with us every night. In the bed. On our sheets. We can discuss my lack of hygiene next week when I will probably go 3 days without washing my hair.)

So anyway, as you probably guessed, the above symptoms started to occur and we decided it was time for the dreaded bath. Ross took Eisley out to play in the mud (might as well get her SUPER dirty first), then carried her through the house to the impending doom of the bathroom. (I know… we are terrible. We picked her up AND took her to get a bath. What’s next a nail trim too?!) After 10 minutes of pitiful shivering and sad, deep puppy eyes, the bath was over and Eisley survived.

At some point in the evening Ross left to go to a cycling meet and greet with one of his friends. I was in charge of feeding the kids dinner before heading out to hear one of our friends in her choral concert. As I was about to leave, I decided Eisley should go out to potty one more time and let her slip out the front door. She shimmied out the door, took a quick squat in her usual spot, then caught the sound of our neighbor across the street sweeping her front porch. Then she decided to chase the broom and darted towards the road. I panicked (we live on a busy road), slammed the door behind me (I didn’t want Henry to join in on the wild goose chase), and sprinted after the pup. I caught her, picked her up (her ears dropped), and turned back to the house. Just looking at the front door I knew it was locked. I didn’t even have to try the handle. So there I was with a pup in my arms looking around the yard trying to decide what to do. I should mention here that she wasn’t even wearing a collar. After her bath she is so pretty and fluffy we don’t like to mash her hair down with the collar. Bad excuse.

Before I even got to the front door (because like I said, I already knew it was locked), I trekked across the road to our neighbor’s house… the one who was sweeping and started this whole ordeal in the first place.

“Ummm can I borrow your phone,” I said, a bit weighed down with the 40 pound dog in my arms. Our Nice Neighbor (who I had never met before) turned inside and brought out her cell phone. I couldn’t decide if it would be better to tell her I was calling a long distance number or just go for it and hope she didn’t get a huge surcharge on her bill. I went for it. I kept the conversation to 34 seconds just in case- I timed it.

“Hey it’s me” I said when Ross answered the phone. I then quickly realized he might not know who “Me” is calling from a weird cell phone number. “I am locked out. With Eisley. And no leash.”

“So I need to come home?” Ross asked. I decided that “No Captain Obvious I just wanted to let you know I was locked out. I am going to sit in the yard all night” was a bad answer for a damsel in distress, so I replied with a “yes please.”

Nice Neighbor Girl offered me a leash while we wait. I accepted… but of course since Eisley wasn’t wearing her collar, I had to lasso it around her neck like a wild mutt. Or a baby cow. She was starting to feel as heavy as a baby cow at that point. I suddenly became aware that I had only changed out of my pajamas about 2.5 minutes before letting Eisley out on our adventure and became very grateful that I wasn’t wearing Christmas footy pajamas toting around my baby cow.

While I was silently thanking God that I didn’t look like a psycho-path in footy pajamas, Eisley became startled by being on the wrong side of her street, with a foreign-smelling dog lasso around her neck, and started to panic. She backed out of the lasso-leash and took off for the road again. I threw the leash at Nice Neighbor Girl (I think she said her name was Renee) and took off towards the busy road that Eisley was bounding towards.

We got back to out front stoop and sat down to wait for Ross to come riding to the rescue on his gallant steed. Or at least in his little blue Jetta. Nice Neighbor Girl went inside her house and peeked at us through the windows.

We sat and waited. Nice Neighbor Girl moved to the front door to watch out between the wreath on her front door. She thought I couldn't see her. I felt like an idiot for being able to, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of the front door with the Nice Neighbor face filling in the empty whole of the wreath.

Eisley panted and shivered like she couldn’t make up her mind if she was she hot, cold, or just needed to take a big poo. I couldn’t tell so I hugged her anyway. Nice Neighbor Girl moved to the living room window to watch us. I think she was settling in with a bowl of popcorn at this point.

I picked up my cow-sized dog and carried her to the back yard to try to get in through the back of the house. I was disappointed to learn that our gate was locked and briefly considered climbing the fence when Eisley looked me in the eyes with the “don’t even think about chunking me over this fence” face. I decided she was right, and even if I could get through the gate, I was sure our back door was locked and bolted.

We went back to the front porch and waited. Eisley panted. Nice Neighbor Girl watched. I considered waiving, but I thought she would either A)bring me a blanket and make me feel more pathetic or B)quickly look away. And I really hated to take away her entertainment for the night.

Ross finally came home, let us into the locked house, and turned to go back to his event. He didn’t both to ask how I locked myself out, with Eisley not on a leash. I gave Eisley a hand full of treats and I ate a handfull of chocolate chips. I figured we deserved them.

Nice Neighbor Girl went back to her normally scheduled Saturday night. After I am sure she wrote a blog post about her weird neighbor and baby cow-sized dog.

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